Pixus: Empire of the Flames
Historic Chronicle 1
(Author - Narayana)
(Developed by Narayana and Kiyone)
Not so long ago, in that not-so-far away land of Pixus, there lived a young sorceress named AnnCougar. She was a good girl and spent most of her days studying the magical arts. Her nights, however, were consumed by the love of her life.. who will, as yet, remain unnamed. It was on one of these nights that AnnCougar's life would take a drastic turn.
A secluded little area on a secluded little beach was chosen for the young couple to spend the evening. The stars were shining, the food was prepared, the wine was aged.. and AnnCougar was busily laying out a patterned quilt, so that she and her love could avoid the sand. Not long after she began preparing the area for the private dinner, a roguish woman named Nezumean approached the pair of lovers.
She first took a few bites of food, inviting herself to join the celebration, then began to blow out candles and stuff them into her pouch as well. AnnCougar, having worked hard to earn the money to buy candles made of pure beeswax, was infuriated. She was able to keep her calm long enough to ask Nezumean, very politely, to return the items and leave. Nezumean, known for her general contempt and bad attitude, informed the couple that any items left on the ground may be taken by any passerby. In frustration, AnnCougar cried out, "HOOSLEFUDGE!!!"
As if summoned, the evil judge Battya appeared out of thin air.. and, it may be noted, that AnnCougar's body left that secluded beach just as quickly as Battya had arrived. AnnCougar, an aspiring sorceress with no past of wrongdoing, found herself in a cell accompanied by a talking plant. The plant proceeded to tell her that she was to spend 2 days saying "I'm sorry" for her heinous crime of cursing in the kingdom of Pixus, and that she would receive no chance to eat or sleep until her sentence was served.
Upon completing her acts of contrition, AnnCougar was allowed to walk out of the cell and back into life.. where she found herself treated as though she were an outcast. As if this were not enough, she was also followed around the empire by judge Battya, who was convinced that this newly found 'criminal' was bound to perform another criminal deed. Young AnnCougar found herself rejected from formal tribes, furthered teaching as a wizard, and from the community as a whole.
Not long after she had been released from the primitive prison with the talking plant, AnnCougar went to an inn and kindly asked the tavern mistress for a warm cup of tea. Battya, who entered the establishment directly behind the magician, promptly hauled her straight back to jail.
"But.. but.. I only asked for tea!" AnnCougar explained, in vain. Battya's mouth contorted into a strange sneer as she retorted, "I didn't like your tone of voice!" Another day of saying "I'm sorry" to a talking tree.. and another brand burned into AnnCougar's arm.
This was not the end, however. Indeed, it was far from being concluded between the sorceress and the judge. Battya made excuse to jail young AnnCougar several more times, adding a grotesque brand to the girl's arm with each incarceration, before AnnCougar finally concluded that speech must be outlawed by those who practice magic. With a new resolve, she decided that she would communicate only through sign language from that point on in time.
Several weeks passed and AnnCougar's life had begun to return to a stage that almost seemed normal.. the brands on her arm had not faded, but the initial burn had worn away and they no longer itched. She was able to conceal them totally by wearing dresses with long sleeves. One day, however, she was using her hands to artfully convey her meaning to a friend regarding a new spell.. and once again Battya appeared.
Judge Battya, who had already been severely reprimanded over the incident of jailing AnnCougar for asking for a cup of tea, waited in silence near where the sorceress and her friend conversed. Finally, she saw the opportunity. As AnnCougar's hands came together to say that the spell would send shocking attacks in four directions, Battya seized the moment and clasped the cuffs over the girl's wrists before dragging her back to the talking plant that knew AnnCougar by name.
When AnnCougar finally gained the will to speak to Battya and asked what crime she had committed, Battya twisted her mouth in a way that made her face look almost prunish and snarled, "You expect to be allowed to walk the streets using THOSE kinds of gestures?! You must be insane!" AnnCougar tried to explain the situation, saying that she was merely describing a spell she had just learned from her Master. Battya, conceited and haughty, replied in a flippant manner, "Perhaps, but in Ancient Indian sign language, you called me a Vishna." Now, any student of the ancient languages knows that the term vishna refers to a dog who is carrying her young.
Flustered, Battya decided to vent her frustration. She travelled across the city and paid the entrance fee for the Imperial Tournament, then entered the tourny hall with a smug look of disdain. When placed on the same team as AnnCougar, who had managed to convince the talking plant that she had done no wrong, Battya spouted a few choice words in the direction of Wussy, the host of the tournament. Wussy, being a rather despicable man himself, sneered as he cast a short spell.. and had Battya removed from the tourny hall.
As soon as Battya returned to the court, she was confronted by a judge who had overheard her speaking to AnnCougar the previous day. Due to her explanation of AnnCougar's sign language, Battya herself was jailed and branded for cursing within the empire of Pixus. Due to her high position as a respected judge of the empire, incarceration surely could not be a high enough price to pay for one who has fallen so low. Battya, therefore, did not merely have to speak to the talking plant.. she had to marry it. The plant, overjoyed at having finally been given a constant companion, promptly branded Battya across the forehead: "Long Stem of the Plant".
Historic Chronicle 2 - The Great War
(Author - Kiyone)
(Devloped by Kiyone & Narayana)
The Empire of Pixus had changed much since Emperor Yaoi took the throne of the kingdom of Kogane, restoring old buildings that had fallen into disrepair. As Kogane and its neighboring city-state of Pooyuck became prosperous, Emperor Yaoi of Kogane and King Sushi of Pooyuck grew old. Emperor Yaoi's son, the prince Phul, was more than happy to assume the responsibilities of the throne when his father fell ill, but Pooyuck's King suffered from a different type of ailment: a pain of the heart. Longing for his estranged wife and daughter, who had left to the faraway kingdom of Pan, King Sushi became reclusive, and the town of Pooyuck was so low in morale for so long, one could rarely see a citizen on its streets. (A group of ruffians known as Enoyik and Tiac used this opportunity to plunder houses, but that's another story entirely...)
However, King Sushi's heart must have skipped one of its bi-yearly beats when his beautiful and powerful daughter, refined by years of court life with her mother, returned to the empire of Pooyuck. He appointed his daugher, the Princess Lashawn, to rule Pooyuck in his stead.
Morale in Pooyuck soared, and, as is always the case when morale soars, population increased exorbitantly. The streets of Pooyuck bustled, the Pixelites celebrated, and Pooyuck became a town of considerable wealth and beauty--surpassing Kogane in its hold on the empire of Pixus.
However, with the growth of both empires within the Empire of the Flames, conflicts emerged. Kogoreians were naturally distrustful of Pooyians, and vice-versa. Primogen Benji of the MonSoon Sect, a prominent society in Kogane, led a campaign against Princess Lashawn, leading aptly-timed Anti-Pooyuck parades through Pooyian events. Tensions grew, and Princess Lashawn and Prince Phul were often heard quarreling through the corridors of both kingdoms.
Finally, all tensions snapped one evening when, after the Pooyian Meeting of Societies, Prince Phul was seen cavorting unacceptably in front of the palace, flirting with a Pooyian sheep and drunk on root liquor. He turned to Lashawn.
"Hey there, banana-lady!" he schlutzed out between swills of liquor.
"Yo," responded the Princess Lashawn, who, contrary to her banana-colored royal clothing, was turning quite the shade of red. "What, may I ask, is !up!?"
"You look like a BANANA, BANANA-LADY!" Apparently, drunk Phul was just as insightful as sober Phul, and slightly more articulate. However, the one detriment of Prince Phul drunk on root liquor was that he was much louder than normal, and Lashawn could actually hear his "witty" assaults upon her personnage.
"You are a most !uncouth! and !wack! homie, Prince Phul!" shouted the Princess. "How !dare! you come into the Imperial Gem of Pooyuck, drunk as a cannibalistic leper!"
Everyone stared at the Princess, who was not a master of similies. She glared, and they began to laugh uneasily at her analogy. "You," she continued, "are a most perverted and reprehensible home-boy."
"BANANA!" shouted Phul, adding his most critically-timed and well-thought out witticism: "I know you are, but what am I?"
"How !dare! you diss me in the prescence of my homies!" shouted the Princess Lashawn. "And stop cavorting with that sheep, you !foul! piece of rotten Du Mountain meat that looks all right until you eat it and suffer severe abdominal cramps!" Everyone stared at the Princess again, and the Prince Phul used this opportunity to run away, shouting something about lemurs.
There would be hell to pay the next morning.
Prince Phul was enjoying his breakfast of sheep entrails when the Princess Lashawn, accompanied by prominent Pooyuck Imperial Navy (PIN) generals, arrived at his palace unannounced. Still bright red and fuming from the night before, Princess Lashawn greeted Prince Phul with a swift kick to the rear.
"Wha--what is the meaning of this!?" shouted an enraged Phul.
"You know quite well, foo'!" raged Lashawn. "Or were you too drunk to remember the events of last night?!"
Prince Phul's eyes widened. "I am so sorry, o Princess!" he grovelled. "I would have sent a royal messenger to you, but I thought our romantic entourage of last night was just a dream I had!"
"WHAT!?" fumed Lashawn. "The royal princess of Pooyuck does not get !played! How dare you insinuate such ill-mannered rumors! How dare you mock me!"
She paused in thought, and then added "Foo'!"
Prince Phul looked puzzled. "Well, if not that, then...what?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU FILTHY CRETIN!" screamed Lashawn. "THIS BE !WAR!" She added another kick to Phul's rear to emphasize her point, then stormed off to begin battle plans.
And with that, the Great War that would divide the Empire of Flames began. Each kingdom was more than eager to begin battle, and it was decided that the great battle to decide the fate of each kingdom was to take place in the vast area of nature that connected Kogane and Pooyuck. However, mere hours before the battle was to begin, word spread of special flame ambers magically appearing, ambers that could be harvested and refined to create a bomb powerful enough to destroy an entire kingdom! Each kingdom, believing that the other already had the bomb, suddenly halted all movement whatsoever, and became engaged in a bitter standoff. The hot war had turned cold, and members of each respective army instructed civilians on the best way to stay safe should the fabled ball of flames incinerate their homeland and everything they knew and loved--"just DUCK AND COVER!" Now that the children of the kingdoms knew what to do should a bright flash appear during calligraphy practice, the Pooyuck Imperial Navy and Kogane Monarchial Army marched off to war, the glimmer of war spoils outweighing the bright flash of doom for all of the Empire.
The battle between kingdoms was a long and bitter one, each respective royal having their items plundered, only to be restored by the treasury of their respective kingdom. Of course, their subjects who had THEIR items plundered did not have any treasury left to replace them. Only the truly evil, despicable cretins such as Imperial Tournament Host Wussy, or Monkey Guide LadySatan, benefited from this horrible war. However, even they were surprised when, at the moment Phul and Lashawn met on the battlefield, a sudden bright flash appeared -- not over Kogane or Pooyuck, but over their very battlefield!
"Quickly!" shouted Phul. "Duck and cover!"
"!Indeed!" added Lashawn. "Duck and cover, lest ye be smitten, homies!"
And everyone did, with the exception of Wussy and LadySatan, who were too weighed down in plundered gold and armor to move quickly enough, and were melted together, cemented by millions of golden coins turned liquid by the ball of fire. When the unending barrage of horrible, evil, sheer killing force had, in fact, ended, everyone got up from their crouched "duck and cover" positions, safe and sound. After the initial shock of all nature being destroyed, the Dryad Elder shed a single tear, and the royalty turned to face each other, even though their two swords had been melted into one lump of metal by the blast.
"You witch! How dare you try such a rotten trick!" shouted Phul.
"ME!?" retorted Lashawn. "This is !YOUR! doing, is it not...?"
Prince Phul and Princess Lashawn looked at each other, puzzled.
Suddenly, an evil laugh echoed throuhgout the kingdoms.
"You people are such pawns!" the mysterious, yet familiar voice shouted. "Did you actually believe that was the Prince that assaulted you, Lashawn?!"
"Horrors upon horrors!" exclaimed Lashawn. "We have been played!"
"Yes, you have, my dear princess," continued the voice. "If you had not been lucky enough to discover the secret to avoiding hellish fireballs contained in the motion of ducking, then covering, BOTH your kingdoms would've been MINE!"
Phul gasped, now realizing who was speaking. "KaChing! Evil and financial nomad elder, it's you!"
"Yes, indeed, it IS me!" echoed KaChing's evil voice. "And I've brought some new FRIENDS of mine with me! For, you see--"
"EGADS!" exclaimed Prince Phul. "He's got some evil trick up his sleeve!"
"Yes, yes, I do," taunted KaChing. "You see, I---"
"Oh, !horrors! upon horrors!" exclaimed Lashawn. "What evil is planned?!"
"Well, Princess, I'm getting to that," continued a visibly irritated KaChing, now making his visage present atop Fu-Mountain-Poo, the highest mountain in all of nature. With a wicked look on his face, he held up a fragment of the evil and powerful DarkStick, which had corrupted the god Sphere many years ago. "You see..."
"Ahh! KaChing has a really ugly mustache!" exclaimed Enoyik, mighty Moose Maestro, who had taken it upon herself to guard the deserted village of Somehay during the entire war, rather than doing anything of any real use.
"THAT DOES IT!" screamed a now more-than-visibly irritated KaChing. "I detest..."
"You said it, Enoyik!" shouted her sister CrazyFollicle. "Let's kick his ugly butt and-"
"I DETEST BEING IGNORED!" expelled KaChing, and with that, the SingSong, a race of etherial and immortal beings that originated in the rectal cavities of the gods, appeared, slaying everyone except Enoyik, who sat twiddling her thumbs in the deserted village of Somehay.
The armies of both kingdoms were caught off guard, and suffered heavy losses, but proved adequate defense against the SingSong once they came to their senses. However, as Enoyik fell asleep at her self-appointed post, millions of KaChing's Sony nomad troops marched through the Northern Pass and into the midst of the battle.
"Egads!" exclaimed Prince Phul. "It's the Sony! We're doomed!"
The Sony Stickmen marched on, expelling battle cries of "That poetry reading was luvily!" and "Townie's legs are too long!"
"We will all be !iced!, verily!" cried Lashawn.
The Prince and Princess looked at each other, and, realizing that their differences were trivial in the face of absolute destruction, joined hands.
"People! Let us join forces to defeat the Sony and the SingSong!" they exclaimed, their bodies entertwined in a fit of political passion. By joining forces, the Sony were driven out, and KaChing reluctantly retreated, vowing to return and taking the SingSong with him.
At a post-war victory banquet in the neutral and deserted village of Somehay, Prince Phul and Princess Lashawn, amidst the cheering and booing of their subjects, signed a treaty of alliance to protect both their kingdoms in the event of emergency, and to cement what would become a long friendship (and, perhaps more...?) between the two leaders.
Meanwhile, Emperor Yaoi and King Sushi, who had just woken up, looked around blankly from the confines of their palace bedrooms, and went back to sleep.